Anxiety, it freaks me out...

I realized while writing my blog that I made mention of my anxiety and how this would play a role in my choosing to leave Pennsylvania. Then, I decided it would make the most sense if I tried to explain, no holds barred, what life is like with anxiety. So here it goes...

For people with serious anxiety, even life's easiest decisions don't come without a price. If it is one thing I ever do in my life, it is to help those who don't suffer with this "disease" to understand a little bit about what people like myself go through daily. And in the interest of doing so, I'm going to divulge all of the off-the-reservation thoughts I have, and how they affect me.

I should start by saying that the biggest controlling fear in my life (at this point, whatever is happening in my life dictates what triggers my anxiety) is the fear of death. I am compelled by thoughts of my own death and have convinced myself that it will happen in the most gruesome of ways. What do I mean by this? Well, as I mentioned in a previous posting, I have acquired a fear of driving. The thought of driving a mere 15 minute trip to or from work sometimes has me so crippled with fear that I am physically sick.

So, brace yourself for the weird shit, here it goes:

• Any time I pass a car I say a silent prayer that the person driving past me, in the on-coming lane, isn't feeling suicidal that day and going to all the sudden decide to swerve their car into mine head-on, of course, killing me.
• Once, a car was stopped in a odd spot outside my house and I ducked behind a tree just in case they had a gun and were going to shoot me.
• The other morning I woke up with a migraine (the first one I ever had) and thought I was going to have an aneurysm and die that day.
• Yesterday my car was making an odd noise and I was terrified it was going to catch on fire while I was driving (it turned out to be a leaf beating against my car. Silly, right?)

So on and so forth, ad nauseum. I think you've got the gist of it now without me completely expelling all of the demented thoughts I sometimes have.

I'm sure if this blog ever goes extremely public that I will be flooded with the same inane responses I have always received when I share this information about myself. Things like, "That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard, just get over it." Or, "I don't get it, it's just driving, it's so easy." Even some of my family doesn't understand it, and that is fine, I've come to grips with this aspect of my life. This is something I (try) keep internally and most people who meet me would never know that I'm constantly worrying about the next step I take. Literally.

But, and I will end today's post with this, the most important point I want to drive home is that, YES, I do realize I have this insane thoughts that don't make sense and I DO know that I over-obsess about the most odd things. It is because I'm aware of this that I can live a functioning life and maintain a job or venture outside of my house. However, don't forget that there are some people out there who DON'T understand what is happening to them, and don't know to get help, and for those people I wish them all the help and understanding in the world, so they can start to live life.

Until next time...

In Motion

Welcome back to my blog! I'm continuing my daily thoughts about what life will be like for me throughout the process of my big move to North Carolina. As I left you last I was getting ready to hand in my notice at work. I am always hesitant to actually quit a job because it always seems so final. Once I decide to take that step, I can't take it back and that means I'm really committed to moving forward with my life (ahhh!). Well, I took the plunge anyway and it went as expected, some people played upset and others didn't even bother. Those who didn't bother just reminded me of what a good decision (I hope) I'm making.

Now I'm trying to make a list of all the things I need to accomplish before I leave the state.

1. Get my car inspected (check)
2. Go to the dentist before I lose my insurance
3. Get my prescriptions in line
4. Finish my quilt
5. PACK

and so much more...

What are my plans once I actually get down there you ask?

Well, I'll be shaking up at my brother's house (God love him for making good money and being willing to take care of me for a while). I'm going to take a week or two off to acclimate myself to my new surroundings, maybe explore the area and hopefully not get lost. Then, I'll start looking for jobs and contemplating going back to college.

I have previously looked at Graduate School courses at NC State and found a program there I may be interested in. The program is for higher education counseling. What does that mean? I could work as a college counselor or anywhere in the "student life" section of the college. If I don't make it into graduate school (and I do feel like it's a long shot that I will, actually, get accepted) then, of course, I'll start looking what kind of a career I can attain with my lonely Bachelor's degree.

Stay tuned for my next post and, hopefully, some interesting updates!

Big Changes

Alas, I have entered the blog world without so much of a clue as to a.) what direction my blog should take and b.) who will read the damn thing. However, I am trying to make some substantial changes in my life within the next few weeks and thought (maybe) writing it out would be therapeutic?

My name is Kristin and I am a 23 year old college grad living in a mid-sized town in northwestern Pennsylvania. I graduated from Penn State Behrend (go Behrend!) with a degree in Communication and Media Studies. Of course, coming out of college at the same time the economy took a big dump hasn't really left me any room to grow-up. So, I moved into the basement of my parents house to try and find a job and make some money. Living at home as actually been quite wonderful. My parents are always supportive of my decisions and always give me my alone space when I'm feeling like a failure for still living there.

About 5 months after graduation I was able to land a mediocre job as a Legal Secretary at a small law firm here in my hometown. In truth, I loved the job. I learned a ton of useful information in the few short months I was there. Unfortunately, however, the pay was awful and I did not get any benefits, so I had the make the unfortunate decision to leave for a job with better pay and insurance.

After leaving the Law Firm, I came to be the receptionist at a local machine shop. While, at the start of my employment, I was assured that within the next 2/3 months I would be out of this position and into something where I could actually utilize my college degree. After almost 10 months of employment with this company I am still making coffee and rearranging magazines in the shitter. I. Have. Reached. Total. Agony.

(Insert here my aforementioned decision for substantial life changes)

Once I finally reached the end of my rope I took a few months to think about my options for the future. Weighing several out in front of me I have recently decided to leave this state and my parents (something I thought I would never do) behind and move to North Carolina with my brother. Though I don't have an real set plans for my life once I get down there, I'm hoping this move will be one of great self-exploration and one hell of a happiness-finding adventure for me.

Though this seems like such an easy transition for some people, for me it is not. I suffer from severe panic anxiety and I force myself daily to do something that most people wouldn't even blink an eye at (like driving short distances, deviating from any normal routine I have, like taking a different route home from work, and many other little triggers that seem silly). Which is why I think that finally making this big change in my life could be either awesome, or a complete fail. In the next few weeks leading up to my move and throughout the actual transition I'll be documenting my life, feelings and thoughts on my decision.

So, Step No. 1 in my moving adventure:

Quitting my job.

I'll let you know how it turns out.